The 5 Artists Most Likely to Fill the Final Two Dillo Day Slots

As Dillo Day approaches, the Northwestern Student body at large is counting the days and wondering: who will be the final two acts?  With the announcements that both Walk the Moon and Danny Brown will be performing, along with the expected announcement of Smash Mouth, students and arbitrary townies of Evanston now wait with baited breath to learn who else will be whetting their Dillo palates.  After extensive research and multiple FOIA requests, we at Sherman Ave have narrowed the list of potential performers down to five artists who we believe, while they may not all be fan favorites, are the acts that are most likely to fill those spots.  In no particular order: 1. Daft Punk With their new album Random Access Memories set for a May 17th release, what better place to promote it than at the spring festival for a medium-sized private university in Evanston, Illinois?  Not only would Dillo Day be excellent exposure for the grossly under-promoted French electronic duo, but such a gig would be a great platform from which to kick off a surprise tour of North America.  Daft Punk would most likely be the nighttime headliner, and, not to editorialize, but such a slot could prove problematic for the duo, as they would have to fill the very large shoes of last year’s nighttime headliner, Steve Aoki.  Speaking of which… 2. Steve Aoki After a critically acclaimed performance at Dillo Day 2012, it seems extremely likely that Aoki will be returning for an encore of sorts.  His incredible and refined musical skills, which include jumping up and down, adjusting EQ levels, and throwing cake into the audience, would be a welcome change from a rap- and Smash Mouth-heavy Dillo set.  While his official tour page states that Aoki’s electronic act will be in Vienna, Austria on June 1st, it is likely that the tour page is merely a ruse–this would be characteristic for Aoki, as his entire career is one colossal joke. 3. Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr McCartney is scheduled to headline this year’s Bonnaroo festival June 14th, while that same day Starr is scheduled to bathe in a gigantic swimming pool of money.  It’s a no-brainer that the only two surviving members of The Beatles would preface these events by playing a set at Dillo Day.  That being said, the two kids from Liverpool might not be high-energy enough to fill the headlining position; they are probably better suited to play the penultimate block, thus being the Big Boi of Dillo Day 2013. 4. Barack Obama While not a musical act primarily, POTUS proved he has a silky smooth voice when he covered Al Green’s “Let’s Stay Together” last year as a thinly-veiled attempt to further corral the youth vote because he’s just so cool.  No doubt Barack “Barry-O” Obama would take time out of his day job of being the leader of the free world to lay down some sultry tunes at Dillo Day.  It would also fit into a long-standing tradition of Mayfest bringing in well-known politicians to flex their musical muscles at Dillo: see Herman Cain and the 999s last year, Bill Clinton feat. The Mysterious White Stains in 1998, and, perhaps most famously, Jimmy Carter’s Inflation-Ridden Peanuts in 1978. 5. 2 Chainz All joking aside, it’s gonna be 2 Chainz.  Got help us all.